Abstract
This article explores the complex interplay between ideals, desires, and self-perception, drawing on psychoanalytic concepts such as Freud’s distinction between the “ideal ego” and the “ego ideal” and Lacan’s theory of the mirror stage. These frameworks reveal how our sense of self is shaped by identification with idealized images—mirrors that reflect not only who (we think) we are but also who we believe we must become. While these images provide coherence and aspiration, they also create tension and conflict, especially when they clash with our inner experiences or with how we navigate the world and its daily challenges.
Through clinical examples, the article examines how these dynamics emerge in therapy, manifesting as struggles with self-image, identity, and the pressure to meet internalized ideals. The therapeutic process emphasizes questioning rigid self-representations, recognizing the partial and constructed nature of identity, and cultivating a deeper curiosity about oneself and the interplay between desires, ideals, and everyday experiences.
Living Between Who We Are, Who We Should Be, and Who We Want to Be
In my clinical practice, I often meet people who live in a constant tension between who they think they are, who they believe they should be, and who they would like to be.
This tension doesn’t come from nowhere: it’s often the result of a process of identification with ideal images that act as mirrors, reflecting not only who we think we are and who we wish to be, but above all, who we believe we must become.
Freud’s Ideal Ego and Ego Idealict
Freud already distinguished between the “ideal ego” and the “ego ideal”:
Ideal Ego
- Origin: It arises in the early stages of development, linked to the first identifications (for example with the image of oneself as a child, or with one’s parents).
- Function: It is the ideal image of perfection that the subject would like to embody; a kind of “glorious self,” narcissistic, omnipotent.
- Character: Grandiose, desirous, linked to self-admiration.
- Example: The child who imagines themselves as a hero, omnipotent, loved by all.
Ego Ideal
- Origin: It develops later, with the internalization of the rules, values, and expectations of parents and society (Superego).
- Function: It is the model, the reference point or standard to which the ego tries to conform; a kind of internal “moral conscience” or judge.
- Character: Normative, prescriptive, can be severe and judgmental.
- Example: The adult who constantly measures themselves against what they “should be,” according to family, culture, society.
Lacan’s Mirror Stage: Identity as a Construct
Later, Lacan describes the mirror stage as an essential moment in human development, in which the child builds their sense of self by looking at themselves in a mirror. But this image is never neutral: it is an illusion of coherence and completeness that hides a much more complex reality.
The infant sees an image in the mirror—a whole, unified body. But this unity is not something the child already “is” on the inside. At a very young age, the child’s experience of their own body is chaotic, fragmented, and uncoordinated. The image in the mirror gives them, for the first time, a sense of themselves as a whole.
The Illusion of Unity
But here is the crucial point:
The mirror does not simply reflect what is already there. Rather, it creates the image of a unified self. The child identifies with this image, taking it as themselves, but in reality, it is the image that comes first. The experience in front of the mirror produces the “I” as something constructed.
Key Points About the Mirror Stage
- The child does not recognize an “already-existing self” in the mirror.
- The child encounters an image that will become the model for their sense of self.
- This image is both themselves and not themselves: it is them, but also an external form, separate and unreachable.
In other words:
The image in the mirror is not a simple reflection of what the child is; rather, it is through this image that the child begins to form a sense of who they are. The “I” is produced in this encounter. The unity the child sees is an illusion, but it’s a necessary illusion—one that will shape their identity for life.
The Tension Between Images
But this identification is also a source of conflict: the child identifies with an image that never perfectly matches how they feel “inside,” and this generates a tension between what they “feel,” what they would like to be, and what they see.
There is often something uncanny about seeing your own image in the mirror; for some, it can be wonder, for others it can be unbearable. As if there is always something elusive in one’s own image, something that can never be fully grasped.
- Childhood: A child who looks at themselves in the mirror and laughs, then tries to touch their image. They start to understand that it’s “them,” but can never quite grasp the image.
- Adolescence: An adolescent who feels insecure because they can’t be “as they would like” (more beautiful, stronger, more confident), that is, as they imagine themselves or as they see in others. They live the tension between how they feel and how they see themselves or would like to be seen.
- In Therapy: An adult who suffers because they feel they are never “enough,” experiencing a distance between what they think of themselves (or would like to be) and what they feel they truly are.
The Mirror as a Metaphor: The Gaze of Others
The mirror is a fascinating metaphor, but it extends far beyond the physical object itself. Anyone can serve as a mirror for us. The gaze of others becomes a mirror, especially as we grow up, when the faces and reactions of those around us reflect back fragments of who we are. Yet, this reflection is far from objective—it is filtered through what others perceive in us and, just as importantly, through what we believe they see in us.
This dual filtering creates an image that is always partial, never complete. Adding to the complexity, different people reflect different aspects of us, offering a variety of images that may even contradict one another. What comes to us from the outside, therefore, cannot provide lasting reassurance: if we harbor doubts about ourselves, no external validation will silence those doubts. Conversely, if we hold unshakable certainties about who we are, no critique will ever penetrate them.
The mirror, whether literal or metaphorical, always lies because it is incomplete. It reflects only fragments, leaving us to grapple with the tension between what we see, what others see, and what lies beyond the frame of the mirror.
The Mirror Stage in Clinical Practice
The Need to Be Seen, But Without Being Judged
A young and ambitious man struggles with a constant tension between wanting to be noticed and fearing judgment. He seeks to be seen as competent and reliable, especially in his professional life, but often feels excluded or misunderstood, a sensation tied to his sense of being an outsider.
This conflict extends to his personal relationships, where he feels torn between modern ideals of equality and independence and more traditional roles of control and authority. He desires a partner who is self-sufficient and autonomous, yet also someone who fulfills his expectations of deference in certain aspects of their relationship.
These tensions may reveal not only external pressures or cultural norms but also internalized ideals of “success” and “masculinity”. Questioning such assumptions—which can sometimes be contradictory—might open the possibility of understanding how they contribute to feelings of inadequacy or frustration. This kind of exploration can help one begin to recognize and take ownership of their desires, rather than attributing them solely to external forces or societal expectations.
From here, the work may focus on deeper reflection: Are these desires truly one’s own? Are they still important? Do they still hold value, or is it time to let them go?
The goal is not necessarily to resolve the conflict but to learn to live with the complexity of these contrasting aspirations. This process can enable one to make choices that feel more conscious and aligned with what truly matters to them.
Between Pride and Panic: The Weight of Expectations
Another person recounts how he always wanted to give his best, ever since childhood. He took pride in excelling and felt deep satisfaction in making his family proud. However, as he transitioned from academic success to the demands of building a career, the weight of responsibility began to grow heavier. Each new challenge brought more anxiety than fulfillment, eventually culminating in symptoms of panic attacks.
This experience highlights a fragile self-image: one of being capable, competent, and able to handle everything flawlessly. In an academic setting, where the answers often lie in books and universal knowledge, success can feel straightforward—study hard, follow the rules, and achieve results. But life presents challenges of a different nature, requiring not just skills and confidence but a willingness to engage with uncertainty, vulnerability, and the unpredictable.
When difficulties arise, or when something feels beyond his control, this positive self-image can crack. Reliance on self-sufficiency and personal competence alone may not suffice, and moments of failure or crisis can overwhelm. For someone who has always depended on their own abilities, asking for help or tolerating the discomfort of uncertainty can feel impossible. Instead of staying with the crisis and navigating through it, he may find himself paralyzed, breathless, overcome by the sensation of losing control. This sense of losing control often marks the breaking point of a self-image that relies solely on personal competence, leaving the individual feeling paralyzed or defeated.
When you lose confidence in your own means, it’s not a matter of convincing yourself you are, on the contrary, invincible (in very rare cases it might work, but it’s like prescribing delusions as a cure for neurosis). Instead, it’s about taking some distance from yourself and from every representation of yourself—representations that, by their nature, are always incomplete and partly inaccurate. This distance allows these representations to return to being aspirations rather than absolute imperatives, whose reasons remain unknown.
Therapeutic work might focus on questioning these largely unconscious assumptions and recognizing that the self-image of being invincible and self-made is an aspiration, an unattainable ideal. Building trust, not in one’s self-image or even in external validation, but in something larger—be it the Other, one’s own unconscious, or the process of dialogue—can help reframe these moments of crisis. This involves recovering a bit of the ability to tell stories, to invent oneself, and to be curious about the world—not just about one’s own performance and image. In doing so, the individual can begin to see not just their own achievements or failures, but also the broader possibilities of connection, meaning, and growth that lie beyond the boundaries of self-reliance.
Cultural Mirrors and Inner Pressures
These clinical examples show how the sense of identity is a bit of a trap, because on the one hand it gives some consistency and self-confidence, but very easily it crystallizes into representations of what we believe we must be. But as Lacan teaches us, these mirrors never show an objective truth. They show an idealized, fragmented image, which often becomes a prison.
In a city like Hong Kong, the tension between traditional values and modern aspirations is particularly evident. People often find themselves navigating between cultural expectations of family, society, and their own personal desires. For some, this creates a sense of being “in-between worlds,” where identity feels fragmented or suspended. Therapy can provide a space to explore these tensions, helping individuals to reconcile the competing demands of their inner and outer worlds.
In multicultural contexts, where traditional values and modern models coexist, this conflict is particularly evident. It’s as if subjective division (the state of inner conflict, of tension, ambivalence given by different desires that cross us and sometimes clash) is under maximum tension. Patients often find themselves living between two worlds, often in a limbo situation, seeking an impossible mediation between the desire for personal fulfillment and the weight of family and cultural responsibilities, but without the support of these. It’s as if someone has suddenly changed the mirror, and thus the image returned from the other is disorienting, leaving one in a state of bewilderment. It can be liberating for some, for certain periods, but it can also make you lose your bearings, your sense of direction.
Conclusion: Beyond the Mirror
The question “Who am I?” is a tricky one, because there’s no single or definitive answer. Identity is never fully identical or fixed. Within us coexist various, and sometimes contradictory, desires and aspirations that pull us in different directions. The mirror—whether physical or metaphorical—offers us an image of ourselves, but it is always partial, fragmented, and idealized. This reflection can be a source of both inspiration and conflict, as we strive to reconcile who we are, who we wish to be, and who we believe we must become.
For many, the tension lies in mistaking these idealized images for absolute truths, resulting in feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or division. However, as Lacan reminds us, these images are necessary illusions. They give us a sense of coherence, direction, and aspiration, but they should not imprison us in rigid identities or unattainable ideals.
Freedom lies in embracing the contradictions within ourselves and recognizing that our identity is not something we must “fix” or perfect. Instead, it is a narrative—one that we can rewrite, reinterpret, and expand as we remain open to the unknown and curious about the world around us. Therapy, in this sense, becomes a space to step back from rigid self-representations and rediscover the creative potential of not knowing, of questioning, and of reimagining who we are.
By accepting that the image in the mirror will always be partial and incomplete, we can begin to see identity not as a fixed goal to achieve, but as a journey shaped by the unexpected encounters and changes that life presents. Moving beyond the mirror means relinquishing the need to rigidly become what we have set out to be and instead cultivating a curiosity for what lies outside the idealized version of ourselves. This includes what we might overlook, resist, or even reject. With openness and courage, we can face these hidden parts, not as obstacles, but as essential pieces of our story. In doing so, we open ourselves to a richer, more integrated sense of self—one that embraces the full complexity of who we are and who we might yet become.